i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
