remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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