You just made me feel so damn special
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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