Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
