Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
