go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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