dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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