I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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