Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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