she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
