Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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