somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I would ride that face into the sunset
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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