someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
