I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
