Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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