I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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