The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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