were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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