If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
