blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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