She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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