I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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