It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
