My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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