Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
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