I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
lets start a swedish sibling band together
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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