I'm so fucking centered right now
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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