When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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