The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Randomize
