I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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