I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
