i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
