You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
this is an emotional support booty call
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
