It's Friday. Sex?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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