why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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