Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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