I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
