I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The best revenge is premature balding
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
either way he was missing a nipple.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
