Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
