Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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