Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We just shotgunned beers for America
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
