I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
