cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
