how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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