I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
