I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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