The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
