No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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