just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
