when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
