If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
